Making Friends with Disappointment

Growing up as a highly sensitive person, I was criticized for being too sensitive, too much, too emotional, and too “dramatic”.

I learned to ignore my feelings and push them down.

I became distrustful of them.

“After all,” my little kid mind told me, “It’s their fault I’m not accepted. They make me weird and different. They make me stick out; and not in a good way.”

Fast forward a few decades when I started my business and ignoring emotions became a full-time job with all the disappointments, fears, anxieties, and shame bubbling up. Who knew following your calling would be so anxiety-inducing (everyone, probably).

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Over the Christmas holidays our 7-year-old opened a gift and with a frown and said, “I didn’t want this”.

This happened a few months ago at his birthday, and I didn’t know what to do. To be honest, I was embarrassed and caught up in my own shame. I heard a voice instructing me to force him to say thank you; because after all, shouldn’t he be grateful he got a present? Any present?

But I didn’t want to rob him of his obvious disappointment, or shame him for feeling it.  So, I did nothing, but it never sat right with me.

Later, I saw Dr. Becky on IG talking about the same situation. “Allow them time to be disappointed before rushing into gratitude,” she advised. This sounded wise.

When Christmas came, I was ready.

Sure enough, he received Lego that wasn’t the preferred Minecraft brand, and I watched his face fall. “It looks like you’re disappointed,” I shared with him. We moved through it together and in the end, he decided to re-gift it to a toy drive supporting local low-income families.

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No doubt, disappointment is a hard emotion to experience.

Especially if you’re making it mean failure, like I was. I’d think, “I’ve failed at getting what I want. I’m a failure.”

It creates a bunch of self-doubt: Am I good enough? Am I on the right path? Should I quit? Am I wasting my time?

All this talk about disappointment made me realize since starting a business I have experienced so. much. disappointment. and I have processed exactly none of it.

Just like that knee-jerk reaction to tell my kid to “just say thank you,” that same voice was telling me, “Don’t complain. It’s a gift and a privilege to be able to run your own business. Be grateful you have it at all.”

Unresolved disappointment just lives underneath every decision I make in my business.

It makes me afraid to try or do anything because that place I’m sweeping disappointment to? It’s now overflowing, and I can feel it. I can feel it sneaking up on me.

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Then I realized something new about disappointment.

Disappointment is telling me I’m on the right path.

Maybe it doesn’t have to mean failure. Or that I suck.

What if it meant: “you’re on to something, keep trying.”

It’s the opposite of “you’re failing, you should quit.”

It doesn’t mean make a 180-degree turn, throw everything out the window.

It means tweak. Adjust.  It’s whispering “you’re on the right path, you’re onto something, but keep trying. Get creative. Support yourself.”

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I haven’t been great with that concept of minor adjustments over the years of business. If something didn’t get traction fast enough, I deemed it as a failure, threw it out the window, and tried something completely different.

It basically had me going in circles for YEARS, but that’s a story for another time.

Just like my 7-year-old opening a present and realizing it’s not what he wants – my lesson is to acknowledge disappointment, make some changes, and then have gratitude for the gifts. Not only the gift of having work I’m passionate about, but the gifts of the lessons and the growth.

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Now - something that seems like a poem, but I’m not sure, because I’m not a poet.

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Making Friends with Disappointment.

Disappointment is not to be feared.

You can’t outrun it, anyways.

Disappointment is a snowflake.

Disappointment is a rain drop on the window.

It has nothing against you and is not coming for you.

No need to hide, no need to run.

It won’t come in the shadows,

Or darkness,

and snatch you up.

It won’t take anything away.

It’s the opposite.

Don’t you worry.

It’s harmless.

It will come and put a finger on your nose and say, “Boop”.

It will cover your eyes and say “peek-a-boo”.

If you let it, disappointment can be clarity.

It clears confusion.

When you’re confused, doubting, not trusting your intuition, disappointment will tell you, you’re on the right path.

Disappointment will whisper: Don’t stop. Try again. Keep trying.

Disappointment let’s you know you’re in hot pursuit of what you really want.

Not what your mind wants, but what your soul wants.

Disappointment tells you something about yourself.

It’s a truth teller.

If you are fearing disappointment, you are fearing what you want.

You are fearing you.

Sometimes we fear we’ll get what we want.

Disappointment can save you time.

Without it, you could be leaning your ladder against the wrong wall.

Disappointment is a wayfinder amidst the chaos of the mind.
“Do I want this? Or do I want that?”

With disappointment, it’s obvious.

You mistook disappointment for failure and a sign to quit.

Disappointment shows you are successfully on the right path, and you should try again, try a new way, get creative.

It’s a whisper that you’re getting closer.

Closer to who you are.

It’s not about achieving or getting something outside of you.

It’s about coming closer to you and who you are.

It leads you back to you.

❤️