I am so grateful you wrote this. You put so much of my experience into words. In my deepest honesty, I often choose "no access" because it is so much cleaner, clearer, and a more "certain" outcome for me. I think as a therapist, I don't often seek deep relationships with new people, or those outside of my kindred souls I've collected through my 39 years of life. I am swimming in deep waters and close connection all day, and my work has perimeters, expectations, and agreements. I rarely have the bandwidth for it elsewhere. I'd love to be able to see the value of these in between relationship, and maybe I'll get there one day. Thank you for sharing this piece, it resonated deeply.
Thank you for those kind words! It is always nice to hear when and how someone resonates.
It makes total sense that after holding space all day as a therapist, in deep conversation, you're not left with a lot of bandwidth.
I feel like a lot of sensitive souls become therapists because we are so good at holding space like that - but have little energy left over for surface relationships. I feel similar.
And I too love seeing that maybe these in-between people have value in my life. To me, it's enough to feel empowered vs disempowered.
Instead of feeling at the mercy of the world coming at me - I can choose to be discerning, know where people fit in my life, and respond accordingly. And if I'm just too tired, that's a valid response too. I accept that some people will mistake that for being rude.
I'm working on getting comfortable with being misunderstood :)
"enough to feel empowered vs disempowered." -YES!! This right here. And I agree. I believe I am often mistaken for "unwilling" or "not generous" with my time, and I'm working hard to become comfortable with misunderstood that way.
I recognize so much of myself in this essay. Just this morning we were discussing this with my husband: I'm 42, and I still can't deal with the in-between. You're in, or you're out. You're my friend, or you're a stranger. And if we've just met, by the fourth date, I need to know more about you than the surface you want to show me... It makes things complicated; I understand. But can we really fake it, hide our actual needs and make do with what people are willing to give us?
I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I'm 47 and still learning :)
I love what you said "by the fourth date I need to know more about you than the surface." YES! 100% yes.
And I definitely don't think we should fake anything. I'm incapable of that, anyways, my face would give me away.
And I don't think it's hiding our needs, either.
I think maybe a third option?
Something like, I accept I am this way and most people are not.
I have my deep relationships, and am better at recognizing when someone is an in-betweener and not wasting my energy.
I also accept that sometimes to protect my energy, I hide in grocery stores. And sometimes I have the energy and will have a friendly chat.
But for me - the biggest thing is allowing myself to be misunderstood because a lot of people don't understand in-betweener relationships can take a lot of energy for an introvert and we sometimes need to protect that - and some people perceive it as "stuck-up".
I've been practicing with being ok in being misunderstood - posting on social media helps, haha.
I love this conversation, thank you for sharing your thoughts too!
After I published this essay, I was talking with a fellow HSP about acquaintances, and she asked, "What about the middle people?"
She told me about a group of people she sees at a weekly fitness class. They've been showing up together for more than ten years. They're an important part of her life. She looks forward to seeing them. She notices when they're absent. They share a rhythm and a history.
But they're not deep relationships or close friends.
She doesn't know intimate details about their marriages, childhoods, or family dynamics. They don't meet for coffee. They don't call each other in a crisis.
Yet they're also far more than acquaintances.
As she described these relationships, I realized I don't really experience this.
When I think back over my own life, people have tended to fall into one of two groups: acquaintances or close friends. Even in acting school, spiritual communities, and training programs, I seemed to move quickly toward depth. I wanted to know people's stories. I wanted to understand what shaped them. Surface-level connection rarely held my attention for long.
But I can see, especially as I get older, why these middle relationships would be important. Almost like proof of life. Especially as a solo entrepreneur that works from home.
I'm still learning that not every meaningful connection needs to become a deep friendship.
Sometimes people become part of the fabric of your life simply because you've shown up beside each other, week after week, year after year.
I think what I'm really starting to appreciate about these in-between relationships is that I don't have to try so hard.
I don't have to say the perfect profound thing. I don't have to overthink every interaction. I can let the conversations be lighter, less precise and less emotionally loaded.
I am so grateful you wrote this. You put so much of my experience into words. In my deepest honesty, I often choose "no access" because it is so much cleaner, clearer, and a more "certain" outcome for me. I think as a therapist, I don't often seek deep relationships with new people, or those outside of my kindred souls I've collected through my 39 years of life. I am swimming in deep waters and close connection all day, and my work has perimeters, expectations, and agreements. I rarely have the bandwidth for it elsewhere. I'd love to be able to see the value of these in between relationship, and maybe I'll get there one day. Thank you for sharing this piece, it resonated deeply.
Thank you for those kind words! It is always nice to hear when and how someone resonates.
It makes total sense that after holding space all day as a therapist, in deep conversation, you're not left with a lot of bandwidth.
I feel like a lot of sensitive souls become therapists because we are so good at holding space like that - but have little energy left over for surface relationships. I feel similar.
And I too love seeing that maybe these in-between people have value in my life. To me, it's enough to feel empowered vs disempowered.
Instead of feeling at the mercy of the world coming at me - I can choose to be discerning, know where people fit in my life, and respond accordingly. And if I'm just too tired, that's a valid response too. I accept that some people will mistake that for being rude.
I'm working on getting comfortable with being misunderstood :)
"enough to feel empowered vs disempowered." -YES!! This right here. And I agree. I believe I am often mistaken for "unwilling" or "not generous" with my time, and I'm working hard to become comfortable with misunderstood that way.
There are so many emotions I aim to become better acquainted with and discomfort with misunderstandings is one of them.
I recognize so much of myself in this essay. Just this morning we were discussing this with my husband: I'm 42, and I still can't deal with the in-between. You're in, or you're out. You're my friend, or you're a stranger. And if we've just met, by the fourth date, I need to know more about you than the surface you want to show me... It makes things complicated; I understand. But can we really fake it, hide our actual needs and make do with what people are willing to give us?
I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I'm 47 and still learning :)
I love what you said "by the fourth date I need to know more about you than the surface." YES! 100% yes.
And I definitely don't think we should fake anything. I'm incapable of that, anyways, my face would give me away.
And I don't think it's hiding our needs, either.
I think maybe a third option?
Something like, I accept I am this way and most people are not.
I have my deep relationships, and am better at recognizing when someone is an in-betweener and not wasting my energy.
I also accept that sometimes to protect my energy, I hide in grocery stores. And sometimes I have the energy and will have a friendly chat.
But for me - the biggest thing is allowing myself to be misunderstood because a lot of people don't understand in-betweener relationships can take a lot of energy for an introvert and we sometimes need to protect that - and some people perceive it as "stuck-up".
I've been practicing with being ok in being misunderstood - posting on social media helps, haha.
I love this conversation, thank you for sharing your thoughts too!
After I published this essay, I was talking with a fellow HSP about acquaintances, and she asked, "What about the middle people?"
She told me about a group of people she sees at a weekly fitness class. They've been showing up together for more than ten years. They're an important part of her life. She looks forward to seeing them. She notices when they're absent. They share a rhythm and a history.
But they're not deep relationships or close friends.
She doesn't know intimate details about their marriages, childhoods, or family dynamics. They don't meet for coffee. They don't call each other in a crisis.
Yet they're also far more than acquaintances.
As she described these relationships, I realized I don't really experience this.
When I think back over my own life, people have tended to fall into one of two groups: acquaintances or close friends. Even in acting school, spiritual communities, and training programs, I seemed to move quickly toward depth. I wanted to know people's stories. I wanted to understand what shaped them. Surface-level connection rarely held my attention for long.
But I can see, especially as I get older, why these middle relationships would be important. Almost like proof of life. Especially as a solo entrepreneur that works from home.
I'm still learning that not every meaningful connection needs to become a deep friendship.
Sometimes people become part of the fabric of your life simply because you've shown up beside each other, week after week, year after year.
I think what I'm really starting to appreciate about these in-between relationships is that I don't have to try so hard.
I don't have to say the perfect profound thing. I don't have to overthink every interaction. I can let the conversations be lighter, less precise and less emotionally loaded.
I can let the relationship be what it is.